She stumbled out of the restaurant, tears filling her beautiful almond eyes. Her brown curls were beginning to fall out of the elegant bun that she had spent so long perfecting.
It was starting to rain heavily now. Her dress was unsuitable for this time of year; she had known that but had worn it anyway. It was dark red long and had a deep neck-line. Her shoes were ruined now, covered in mud and who knows what else, as she ran down the alley. They were ridiculously high and she was quite tall anyway, but once she had seen them she had to buy them.
When she reached the busy main road, she stuck out her hand to hail a taxi. If the driver was surprised by her appearance he didn't show it. Her face was smeared with tears and make up, her eyes black and smudged.
She told the driver her address, leaned back, closed her eyes and prepared herself for the long journey home.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is an interesting one, especially because it seems like this piece is meant to fully stand on its own, which is a rather rare thing to see when it comes to pieces of this size, where its not quite going for that extremely short story vibe nor is it really long enough to tell a normal short story. But somehow I think this actually succeeds in bringing across a very intriguing point here. I think that's quite powerful there.
I love the way this begins. Its so very clearly focused on the attire there and it seems you're trying to tell the full backstory of this person through just that there, and I have to say you actually manage to do a pretty solid job there. Naturally there isn't much detail and as the reader we need to figure it all out for ourselves, but I think that only adds to things here, making the whole situation that much more powerful because you always see it in a slightly different way that makes more sense to the reader personally and that makes it more powerful.
Overall I think this is quite nicely done. That simple ending there just capping off that description works perfectly to capture what might have just happened and what the result of it all is about to be. This just manages to do quite a lot with so little.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Honestly, I say this piece needs a lot more detail. It's a good description of an event, but I also haven'[t the foggiest what just happened and also do not have enough inkling to want to read more. I think we need to see more of the character. We need to see some thought that might give a clue as to what happened. Both these things would make this story better.
Okay, so I really like this piece of writing, and I think it has a lot of emotion. But, I don't really quite understand this sentence. I mean, I understand that you're probably talking about high heels... ? But, you might want to add that you're talking about high heels so that people who read it don't get confused (:
Other than that, I really like this piece. I think it has potential to be better, and I think you have the potential as well to do that (: Also, I think you have a great voice, and that you're awesome at conveying the desired emotions.
It would be great if this was longer
PM me if you plan on extending it !
I am here to give a short review for a short piece!!
Now a few things you could do to improve:
--Whilst you're describing what this woman is wearing, don't make it so obvious that that is what you're doing. Wind in the description with the story line: give it some purpose. For example, you wrote:
--The second sentence is too obvious as a description so it stands out. Try something like: It was starting to rain heavily now; her ridiculously unsuitable long red dress, which she should never have worn, was getting ruined and splattered in mud. That was bad writing, but you get my drift, yes? Give the description some purpose. You've got to think, why am I telling my readers this, what purpose does it serve? You've done this in your opening sentence:
--Do you see how in the last sentence, you gave purpose to your description, yes? (:
--Finally, try and add in a bit more emotion. For example, in the last line:
--Add in what she's thinking, or maybe just what she's feeling. Just add in a little more emotion to personalise the experience.
Overall Thoughts
--I'm glad you drew my attention to this and asked me to read it, because I was drawn in from the first sentence!! Great job (:
-- If you just improve a little on the description and emotion of your MC then that will be great!!
--If you plan on continuing with this little golden nugget, then please let me know, as you have me well and truly hooked!!
-- I really hope this review helped you out, and PM me if you have any questions at all, and I'll be more than happy to help you out
Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
Thank you so much.
This is the result of an english assignment and my over enthusiasm! It was only meant to be a short description,but.... well if it involves writing I tend to go a little over the top, it was one of the longest in the class!
Nice, this is good.
Perhaps change it to it was a dark red long number with a deep neck-line that showed off her neck. . Her shoes were ruined now too Alley is spelled A-l-l-e-y. Why did she have to buy them? Was it because she thought her boyfriend would like them or she thought she looked sexy in them? Specify.
I've never heard to hail a taxi before. It sounds interesting and unique. If the driver was surprised by her appearance he didn't show it even with her face smeared with tears and make up and her eyes black and smudged with mascara. Perhaps this way instead.
And leaned back against what? The seat? The driver?
final Thoughts:
this is really short but good. You could probably pass it off as a prologue--even though I am against them unless your writing a fantasy-- if it is part of a novel. If it's just a little writing piece then it really doesn't matter on the length. I like this though. It has some mystery about it and sorrow. It also really draws you in and keeps you wondering. It's short and sweet. Good job!
~Simply
P.S. Welcome to YWS! Don't forget that for every one piece of writing you submit you must write two reviews!